And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
