ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
She bit a glass in half.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Randomize
