my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
You're like the curious george of whores
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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