I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
