the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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