oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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