He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
