my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Randomize
