either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
