I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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