Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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