i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
