If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
