i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
from now on my penis is your penis
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
