She's JV to your varsity
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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