i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
