All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
