Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
