I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
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