Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Randomize
