someone threw a dead crab at me
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
