whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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