apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
