I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
