I didn't shave. On purpose
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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