ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
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