we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
