So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
