btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
You are a booty call, not a friend.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
