when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
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