I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
