You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
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