Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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