If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
