So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
