it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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