thus making me awesome and them whores
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
