my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
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