i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
