my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Did I show you my penis last night?
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
