I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize