I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Randomize
