You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
