After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
