Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
