But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
