from now on my penis is your penis
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
