Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
