if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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