I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
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