Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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