Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
