Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
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