If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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