Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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