If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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