I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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