Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
