I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
