two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
