peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
