why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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