So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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