I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
